“The 300”.

This is coolbert:

Well, not actually a movie review. A review of the movie reviews.

[let us make this clear from the start, I have not seen the movie. But I have read the book!!]

“The 300”. The Spartans battling the Persian hordes at Thermopylae. I must say that I cannot recall so MANY op-ed pieces in the newspaper and commentaries regarding a MOVIE!! This film has turned out to be a blockbuster both at the box office and in the printed review media also. I might as well contribute also.

An unusual movie at that too. A combination of real-life actors and computer generated animation. In the same genre’ as “Cool World” and “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”. I must confess that I DO find these films entertaining. Good stuff.




The movie is based upon the “graphic novel” by Frank Miller. ”The “novel” I have read. Some time ago. Also great stuff. When I say “novel”, or when others use the term “graphic novel”, please think ADULT COMIC. That adult type of comic where all the men have physiques that rival that of Arnold-at-his-prime-the-current-Governor-of-California-you-know-who and all women have hour-glass-figures-are-tall-and-leggy-with-enormous bust lines!!! Adult type comics where all characters for the most part are scantily clad and the dialog contains a lot of “gyaaaaaaas”, “grrrrrrr” and “arrrrrgh”.

[I again might as well admit I enjoy this genre’ of adult comic also. Light entertainment they call it!! Adult comics that have a story line where Batman and Tarzan combine forces to foil the evil Finnegan Dent. That sort of thing! Please however, do not under-estimate the “graphic novel” The 300” “novel” DOES SEEM to be a pretty accurate rendering of the history as told by Herodotus!!]

As extracted from the latest op-ed piece in the Chicago Tribune about “The 300”:

[my comments in bold.]

”After seeing “300” . . . I had a few questions.” [op-ed piece by Dan Neil.]

So ASK!

“I doubt that . . . Xerxes looked like Dennis Rodman , only taller and gayer.”

Much seems to have made of the various body piercings and silver eye shadow of Xerxes. To portray the man as an effete femme’? Well, I am not sure about the body piercings, but I do know that persons of that period did wear eye shadow for medicinal effect. Appearing “gayer” would be the perception MODERNS would have!!

The ancient Greeks too considered the human body in the unblemished state to be the acme of perfection. That Xerxes was shown with so many piercings indicates he is a “barbarian” and “imperfect”??

“It also seemed implausible that the Persians had mutant rhinos.”

This is true! It is implausible!

The rhinoceros is NOT a tamable animal. WAS NOT and HAS NOT ever been domesticated. And certainly NOT a mutant giant. I DO NOT remember this as being something present in the “novel” form of the story! The Persians may have had war elephants!!?? I am not sure if Herodotus mentions this!!??

In the movie, this rhino is killed by a single spear thrust??!! So another pundit has said. Sounds implausible too!!?? NO, is not. In the Bible, Eleazar kills a war elephant with a single spear thrust to the belly, and the Portuguese soldier at Malacca sends an enemy war elephant on a rampage by a spear thrust to the eye!! IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!!

"So he dashed forward alone and got under the elephant and, stabbing upward, killed him. But the elephant in falling crushed Eleazar and killed him."

"de Lima pierced the leading elephant in the eye with his spear and the maddened brute turned in the narrow road and fled"

“I knew the Thespians and the Arcadians were allied with the Spartans, I wasn’t so sure about the Chippendales.”

Chippendales? Mr. Neil is referring to the manner with which the Spartans are portrayed in the both the graphic novel and the movie. Very lightly attired and very muscle bound.

As for the scant wardrobe, well, it is known that the Spartans would carefully groom themselves and anoint their bodies with scented oil prior to combat. So as to better meet “the Gods” when meeting death on the battlefield. During the same historical period, IT IS KNOWN THAT CELTIC WARRIORS WERE NOTED FOR GOING INTO BATTLE NAKED!!

"The Celts fought naked and wore torques around their necks. The torque was not simply an ornament but above all a great catalyst of energy, as was the horned helmet."

As for the muscle bound characterization. This WOULD CERTAINLY HAVE NOT BEEN SO!!!

The super-muscularity as found in the Mr. America/Mr. Olympia competitor is ONLY A RESULT OF STEROID USE!! Plain, pure, and simple as that!! A modern invention.

A Spartan at Thermopylae would have been of SMALLER STATURE THAN A MODERN, BUT TWICE AS STRONG AS THE AVERAGE PERSON TODAY!!

[it is a known fact that a person from the American Civil War era could manhandle 150 pound blocks of ice with ease. A modern can manhandle ONLY half that weight of ice with comfort. Your average American has been weakened by the sedentary way of life we lead!!]

“Actually, the movie is rigorously faithful . . . The slaughter of the hapless Medes, followed by the routing of Xerxes’ vaunted “Immortals.’”

To what extent the cinematic version shows how the battle itself was fought on CONSTRICTING TERRAIN I AM NOT SURE. THE PASS AT THERMOPYLAE WAS NOT A “PASS” AS ORDINARILY UNDERSTOOD. THE “PASS” WAS A STRIP OF LAND [BEACH] ABOUT TEN YARDS WIDE BETWEEN WHERE THE SEA ENDED AND THE MOUNTAINS BEGAN. THIS IS WHERE THE SPARTANS FOUGHT AND DIED!!!

[Many military principles and tactics apply here. Make the enemy fight on ground of your choosing. “Defense is the stronger form of combat” - - Clausewitz. Defense is easier to do, you can accomplish more with less!!]]

"even the quote of Dieneces, who jokes that if the enemy arrows blot out the sun, then the Spartans will, 'fight in the shade.'"

Please understand that Dieneces is not necessarily speaking metaphorically here. He may be speaking practically as well. The Romans and probably the Greeks before them had a battle maneuver when under bombardment from a barrage of arrows. Would interlock shields over their heads and form what was called "the turtle". Called "fish scales" by the Chinese. If done by the Spartans in response to Persian arrows, the defenders WOULD be fighting in the shade!!

"If this is America's version of a classical education, it works for me."

ME TOO!!

Gyaaaaa! Grrrrrr! Thwaaaack!

coolbert.